and my herpes radar will keep us safe
two words: eviction party
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
