The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she peed on how many people?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
