He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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