Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
