i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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