I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
