No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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