Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
