The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
