So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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