So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
