I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
