I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
