dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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