Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
