It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
