Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
