hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
