I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
