You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
