I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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