And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
