even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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