Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
