ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
