I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this just has baby written all over it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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