Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
