I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
