saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My liver just had a heart attack.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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