Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
