I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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