woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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