I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So many bounce houses so little time
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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