What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
