The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
