All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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