The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
