1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can i not drive my cunt home
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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