Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
