I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
is it fun? or sober?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
