my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
