got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
