Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
