it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
