Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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