Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
