if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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