Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
