it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
