Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
